I Lied When I Said I Don't Love You
by Frack
Summary: Yaoi. HanaRu. Hanamichi breaks up with Rukawa because he thinks that he's keeping Rukawa from living his dream. But still, he can't forget him and hangs on to the hope that one day, Rukawa will come back to him.


I Lied When I Said I Don't Love You  
  
Disclaimer: I have no ownership over Slam Dunk. None at all... *Sigh*  
  
There, another one of my angst fics! So, I hope you like it, and please review. I don't mind even if they're flames. (hides knife behind back). Really I don't! (smiles innocently)  
  
Note: / / are Hanamichi's thoughts.  
  
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"Today, Rukawa Kaede, the famed Japanese basketball player in America..." the reporter droned on.  
  
His name brings me back to the past. Reminds me of what I had given up. Mocks me that I have lost everything. Shows me all too well just what a lie I've been living.  
  
  
**Flashback**  
  
It was a beautiful day. I woke up in the morning feeling wonderful. Everything seemed to have changed in the matter of a few weeks. A few weeks of bliss with Kaede. Everything was fine, practice was as usual. But today, I realized something. I realized just what had been bothering me all this while. I had tried to deny it. Tried to push it out of my mind. But I couldn't stop myself from thinking of it everytime I saw him hold a basketball.  
His love for the game was obvious. You could see it in the way he played. On the court, he seemed like he was born to play basketball. When he played, it wasn't a sport. It was something far more beautiful. It was, in a word, perfect. He knew it too. He knew that he was something when it came to basketball. He knew he could make it if he tried hard enough. He could be the best. He could realize his dream. He could be the number one in Japan and undoubtedly, America.  
I turned away. I didn't want to watch him play anymore. But this time, I could push away feeling that was slowly eating me alive. I was only holding him back.   
  
  
"It's over."  
The tears were brimming in my eyes. But I didn't want him to see me cry. I couldn't let him see how much I hated what I was doing.  
"Why?"  
  
/Why? Such an innocent question. Why? Don't you see, Kitsune... It's because I love you./  
  
I stayed silent and looked away as I desperately tried to blink away my tears.  
"You don't love me?"  
If I wasn't so afraid that I would break down and start sobbing uncontrolably, I would have laughed at that question.  
  
/Don't you see? It's because I love you that I'm letting you go./  
  
There was a part of me, a very selfish part, that had wanted to tell him that I still loved him.   
  
/Of course I love you, I'll always love you./  
  
"I.. don't love.. you," I miraculously managed to stammer without immediately bursting into tears.  
  
/Yes, I love you! I love you! Don't believe me. I love you!/  
  
His eyes bore into mine. They were a slight shade of red. Right then and there, I wanted to severely injure myself for causing that much pain that showed in his eyes. I knew that if he searched in my eyes a little longer he would know I was lying. So I turned away.  
And despite it all, he still had his ego. He still had his pride. He had asked once, he would not ask again.   
He had closed up to me. There was nothing I could ever do to get him to trust me the way he used to. It was over.   
  
/I love you but I'm only slowing you down./  
  
**End flashback**  
  
  
I switched off the television. It was no use to keep reminding myself of the past.   
  
/Then why do you have pictures of him in your drawer? If you want to forget so desperately, why do you still keep track of what games he's been playing in?/  
  
I glanced at the invitation card in my hand. I made up my mind.  
  
  
**Flashback**  
  
He took one last glance around. His eyes contained what could possibly have been hope. I bit my lip to stop from crying again.  
  
"Ayako-san, Akagi-sempai, Kogure-sempai, Mitsui-sempai."  
  
After saying his short goodbyes, he walked away. I grabbed the pole I was hiding behind to stop myself from running after him. No, I couldn't give in now.  
  
/Go, live your dream Kaede. I'm only holding you back./  
  
**End flashback**  
  
  
I scanned the room for the only person that I wanted to see.  
  
/He probably didn't even come. You know him, he wouldn't attend a stupid function like this./  
  
Then, I saw him. Again, I felt like crying. So I hid my feelings behind a smile. I was just about to go over when I heard that familiar high-pitched voice in my ear.  
  
"Hana-kun!"  
"What is it, Haruko?"  
  
She had spotted him too. So she grabbed my arm and dragged my over to him.  
Our eyes met. The barrier was still there. If only I could hide my emotions that well.  
  
/I still.. love you/  
  
Foolish to cling on to something that I myself had let go of so many years ago.  
  
"Rukawa-san."  
"Sakuragi-san."  
  
/You'll always be Kitsune to me. I wish I could tell you that./  
  
I noticed he was alone. I couldn't help but feel the small glimmer of hope inside grow brighter.  
  
"I made it into the NBA."  
"Really?"  
  
/I know. Of course I know. You're finally living your dream. I wish I could say I'm happy../  
  
He nodded.  
  
/Do you still love me?/  
  
We fell silent. There was nothing more to say. Everything else I had to say was better left unsaid. I noticed that he looked the same as always, albeit a little older. And somehow, it hurt me. I had always hung on -no matter how I denied it- to the hope that he couldn't go on without me. That my decision was the wrong one and that he would come back to me. That I wasn;t holding him back from living his dream.  
  
"Sakuragi-san, this is my wife, Hikari."  
  
/Wife... Wife... So you've gotten along fine without me. I was right, I was only holding you back./  
  
Finally, after all these years, I had let the hope die. I had finally accepted that it was really over between us. I smiled and played nice to that wife of his, although I couldn't deny the burning jealousy I felt. I couldn't help feeling that she couldn't possibly love him half as much as I did.  
  
/Why can't that be me? I gave up on us so that you could be happy. Now you are, so why do I feel so empty?/  
  
So this is how it feels like to know that you are not meant to be with the only person you ever loved.  
  
/Back then, when I said I didn't love you, I lied./  
  
"Hana-kun, let's go home. It's late. I promised the baby-sitter that we would be home by ten."  
"Alright Haruko. Let's go home."  
  
/Goodbye, Kitsune./  
  
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The end. That's all. I know it's kinda short even for a one-shot but I did this in like half an hour because I really have to go study! So, please excuse the typos. And please please please review. :)  
  
E-mail: fracky_00@hotmail.com 


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